I've Given Up
by startswithgoodbye9412
Summary: What happens when you've given up completely? What happens when the one that you are falling for is the one that is causing you to want to give up more? What happens when you can't tell which life is worse, the past or the present? Well, Beca will give you all the answers you need. Changed to M for certain circumstances that may no be suitable for some people!
1. Chapter 1

Have you ever had a story that was written all over your body? Have you ever had to lie to everyone you love every day? Have you ever wished that you no longer existed? I have. I spend every day wishing that everyone would be better off with me gone. I spend every day wanting to die and being afraid to fail.

You never really know someone until you have stayed up until four in the morning spilling secret after secret. I remember in third grade when Ashley stayed over telling me the horrors of her house. She would tell me about her dad beating her. She would tell me that even though he hurt her, she still loved him. I never told her what it was like in my life. Ashley and I spent every weekend together until we were 11 and she became too involved in her cheerleading routine. I never told her about me, I never told anyone until I was 16.

Sixteen was an interesting age for me. My sister became pregnant and gave birth to my nephew six days after my birthday. Two days later, my sister and mother found out a secret about me that I thought I'd never have to deal with. My so called best friend spilled her guts to my sister in the attempt to save my life. I still hate her for that.

Well enough about my past; let's talk in the present, shall we? Today is August 25, which normally wouldn't seem like a big deal, but today is the day that I start college at Barden University. My dad used his position as head of the English department to get my tuition covered.

I sighed looking back one last time at the airport when the cab pulled up. I didn't want my dad to know when I got to Barden so I figured a cab would probably be the best way to go under the radar. I mean who wants to speak to a cab person anyway? I smiled slightly when the sun kissed my pale skin. The air was warm, but not humid which I was thankful for. I wasn't one who dealt with miserable weather well. I was a wimp in the cold and a bitch in the heat. I was one to die for, right?

Barden wasn't my choice. I never wanted to go to college but it was the only way to get my dad off my back. He claims that we never really talked anymore, even though it was his fault moving two and a half hours away with a girl that he loved more than me. Once he moved, I stopped going to visit and he stopped making time for me. I was just his little charity project that occasionally stopped by for a day or two.

"Hi there," A chippy blonde lady came right in front of me. I smiled rudely which she either didn't see or blatantly ignored it. "What dorm are you in?" I quickly recalled the dorm building and spoke quietly to try to get her to tone down her voice slightly. She quickly explained how to get there before leaving to attack another person getting out of a vehicle.

"Well, here goes nothing," I told myself as I carried my luggage to my dorm. I smiled slightly at the grassy areas that seemed to surround the campus. I really did love to be outside even though I spent most of my free time in front of a computer screen. I was completely lost in my thoughts that I didn't see a person dancing straight toward me.

"Oh my, I'm so sorry," He said as he gathered up my luggage. "I should really start to watch where I'm going." He chuckled to himself. "Look, I'm being rude, I'm Jesse," He stuck out his hand like a gentleman would when meeting a lady.

"I'm Beca," I figured it was probably best not to make an enemy on my first day here. I'm already so great at making enemies that the true test was often trying to make friends. "I can take those," I said, maybe a little too forcefully. He simply chuckled and handed me my luggage. "Thank you," I said reluctantly as I awkwardly held the four bags on my arms.

"Where to?" He asked before slowly walking.

I matched his paced quickly; unsure as to why I was following him, "Baker hall." I said, recalling the name of the dorm building my dad had put me in. His reasoning was that I would be close to all of my classes so I should never be late.

"I'm in Lane Hall," He said matter-of-factly. I squinted at him in confusion. "It's right next to Baker," he said proud of himself for knowing that. "I'll walk you there." He said before walking swiftly to the buildings. "You do know that it is almost 80 degrees outside and you are wearing black skinny jeans, right?" He gestured to my pants.

"I packed all of my shorts before I realized that I needed something to wear for today." I said a little too defensively. "Here is my hall," I said, grateful to finally get away from him. "Thank you," I mumbled to him.

"I want to see you again." He called to me. "Meet me here tomorrow at noon," he yelled before turning around to head to his door. He was absolutely crazy if he thought that I was going to meet him. I hardly even know him! Jesse was so blunt today that I actually kind of enjoyed it. He didn't press on any farther after I lied about my outfit choice. He didn't force me to talk the entire walk here. There was something that I liked about Jesse but I couldn't put my finger on it. I guess I would just have to wait and see if we could even be friends.


	2. Chapter 2

I must have forgotten to set my alarm for the next day because when I finally rolled over to look at my clock it was almost 11. Great, I thought, now I have even less time that usual to get my morning routine done in time for the activities fair. I quickly pulled on the fleece sweater that was laying on the suitcase and a pair of dark blue skinny jeans before I tied back my hair.

The voice in my mind kept pointing out every single flaw I had as I analyzed the outfit in the mirror. "I know," I would reply every time I heard a negative thought. That's the best thing about the voice. No matter how hard it was to take, she never lied to me. She was never one to judge me or anything. She was there no matter what. I sighed, knowing that no matter how hard I tried I would always be worthless and useless.

The activities fair wasn't required to go to for most of the students except for me. My dad made it mandatory for me because he thought it would get me out of my shell. I didn't want to get out of my shell. My shell was my protection from everyone around me. It gave me comfort and stability. It was my life.

"Shit," I whispered to myself as I glanced at the clock. It was approaching noon and I was just now leaving the door. The activities fair was only from eight until two which seemed odd considering it was a college that hadn't even started the semester yet.

I walked through the corridors and down the stairs until I saw a familiar face staring back at me. "Hey," he smiled before he jumped off of the brick wall that surrounded the stairs leading out of the dormitory. "Are you ready?" He asked expectantly. I knitted my eyebrows in confusion. I didn't agree to go anywhere with this guy. I mean, I had just met him yesterday!

"I have to go," I mumbled hoping that he would back off. I didn't like him being so close to me. I began to head in the direction to the activities fair only to hear him running behind me. I rolled my eyes before I stopped and turned towards him. "What do you want?" I was angry now. I couldn't understand what was so hard to get when I walked away.

"I told you to meet me here at noon today." He shrugged as he continued to walk ahead of me before turning his head to say, "Well are you coming or what?"

"I have to be somewhere right now." I said not slowing down my pace when I passed him. He chuckled before matching my pace as we walked silently down the path to the activities fair.

"Do you have anything else to wear besides winter clothes?" He laughed and gestured to my outfit. "I mean, don't you get hot?" he asked, curiosity gleaming in his eyes.

"I have poor circulation," I answered quickly, before shoving her hands into my jeans and gently caressing the scars and scabs that littered my thighs. "I'm cold all the time," I added. This was my usual lie. I really did have poor circulation so technically it wasn't a lie, but it was a lie as to why I would always wear long clothing even on the beach.

"Well, maybe I will just have to come over and warm you up sometime," He countered with a wink. My face fell with fear and I began to noticeably gasped for the air that seemed to escape me. "Or maybe not," He added with rejection heavy in his voice. "So, which booth would you like to go to first?" He asked and nudged his head to the side.

"I'm just going to look around and see which one doesn't catch my eye." I said in a low whisper. I didn't want him to continue to follow me around like a lost puppy dog looking for a new owner to please. I didn't want to be someone's charity case. I didn't want to be used by someone, only to be thrown back into the ocean without a life vest.

"Well then, we have a lot to look through," He said enthusiastically as he grabbed my hand and dragged my around the organized booths. "What do you like to do in your free time?" He mused as we stopped by the Spanish club booth.

"I sleep," I shrugged, annoyed at his constant talking during this trip. I honestly hated how much he would run him mouth. His face scrunched in interest before he shrugged it off and went to look at the papers for the ski club.

"Hola," A thin girl walked up to me. "Habla espanol?" She spoke fluently to me. I smiled and nodded slightly before picking up the pamphlet and continuing the journey to the other tables.

"So you speak Spanish?" Jesse said, coming out of nowhere. I jumped immediately at the sound of his voice. I hated the fact that I was so terrified of being snuck up on, but after everything I've been through, I was not the one to be blamed. I nodded, angrily before folding the paper in my hands into a tiny square that was able to be placed in my pocket.

"I took four years of Spanish in high school." I answered after what seemed like an eternity of silence. I grimaced at the thought of having to sit through day after day with my high school Spanish teacher who, by the way, hated my guts. "I know enough to get my by," I said. I hated when people found out I was able to speak another language because normally I would be harassed until I spoke something in the language.

"That's cool!" He said before glancing at the table to his right. "So, Beca, can you sing?" He asked. I raised my eyebrows before turning to see what he was staring with such admiration at.

You have got to be kidding me began to run through my brain like a broken record stuck on repeat.


	3. Chapter 3

"I don't sing," I told him as he pulled a very reluctant me to the booths. "Seriously, you need to let go!" I said a little too forcefully. I couldn't stand being touched by anyone let alone someone that I had just met.

"Whoa, calm down, Beca," He tried to reassure me but I was already too far gone in my thoughts to listen. "Do you need to sit down?" He reached out to lightly place a hand on my arm. I shook my head before I slightly swayed in place. "Come on, I'm taking you back to your dorm." He said, concerned.

"I'm fine," My voice cracked but that didn't stop me from trying to escape out of his grip. He shook his head before scooping his arms under my knees and cradling me to his chest. "Please let me down! Please don't do this!" I frantically thrashed. I just wanted him to leave me alone. I needed him to get away from me so I could continue on with my life alone as it should be.

"No," he answered firmly. "I am not putting you down until you are okay in your dorm. You look pale, Beca." He was concerned. I scoffed and continued to fight him the entire way back up the hill to Baker Hall. "Do you want me to stay with you?" He pressed for the third time since he held me captive on this walk.

"No, I am not some damsel in distress, I'll be fine. Now will you let me go, please?" I tried again, this time with results. He placed me gently back on the ground before holding my arms to my side until I became steady.

"What? No thank you?" He teased when I fumbled for my dorm key. I didn't want to be in the same space as him any longer. I couldn't handle being stared at. "You know, Beca, you aren't going to make many friends with that kind of attitude towards people that just want to get to know you." He sounded disappointed but it was quickly shrugged off when he waved goodbye and left.

"I don't need friends. I'm a terrible person. I don't deserve anyone." I reminded myself as soon as I retreated into my bed. I didn't have anyone in my life because I knew that in the end I would just hurt them. I smiled at the empty room and gently pulled out a box of bandages from the top drawer of my night stand.

Bandages are a funny little thing. They are proof that you can be hurting underneath and no one will be able to tell. Sometimes I think that bandages are skin colored because it hides the imperfections from the world. Having a small cut or scrape ruins a flawless body. I didn't care, though. Bandages were my friends. They didn't tell me to stop or force me to tell them anything. In fact, they did the opposite. They wouldn't have a purpose if I didn't do this to myself. They would be sitting on a shelf at some pharmacy without an owner. Plus, bandages stuck with me when everyone else left.

I gently pulled back the top of the box like it was a blanket I was removing from a newborn child. I fumbled through the unopened bandages until something metal grazed my fingertips. I slid it out and placed it on my leg as I reached for the blood stained towel from under my bed. It's kind of ironic how none of my clothes were unpacked and put away, but yet my favorite items were already hidden away.

I smiled as the cool metal kissed my milky skin. The crimson liquid began to pour immediately, giving me a sense of relief. I deserved this. I deserved everything bad that has happened to me.

Nearly a half an hour later and eighteen bandages later, I pulled on my pants and went for a walk in the hot autumn air. It was sick of me to walk in a pair of tight skinny jeans in the sweltering heat. I had to punish myself more. I had to know that if I allowed people to get close to me, it would only hurt them in the end. I couldn't allow myself to let someone into the world inside my head that I so desperately wanted to escape. I needed a way to allow myself to kill the demons inside my raging mind without destroying anyone else.

I didn't know how long I was walking before I felt myself get woozy from either the loss of blood that was still heavily pouring out or the heat that was draining my body from the moisture it needed. I felt my knees buckle underneath me and my side pound against the ground. The last thing that filled my mind was that no one would ever find me. I didn't even know where I was.


	4. Chapter 4

Darkness is a funny thing. I mean, you sit in complete silence not knowing whether or not you are going to survive until day, but a part of you is somewhat relieved. I hated the fact that I was stupid enough to take a walk, knowing that this could happen. "Look at what you did." The voice in my head spat at me. I shook my head and put my head between my knees as I counted backwards from ten.

"You know, you can't get rid of me that easily." The voice taunted me. I hated knowing that eventually I would give in and listen to it as it slowly tore me apart. "You are so stupid sometimes. How could you not think about what would happen, if you went for a walk?" Sadly, I knew that the voice was right. I shouldn't have gone for a walk until I was positive the bleeding was stopped.

I slowly lifted myself up off of the ground, wincing slightly as I moved my legs. I looked up at the sky, thanking it for being dark so I really didn't plan on seeing anyone around. I felt the top of my pants, noting that they were soaked with dry blood. "Great," I muttered to myself as I walked down the path to my dorm.

I smiled to myself when I realized that no one was out and about. I soaked in the cool autumn night breeze that gently whipped my hair back. It must have been close to midnight by the deserted campus. I walked swiftly, frightened and excited that I was out by myself this late. I loved walking at night, but it always scared me that something was going to happen, but considering my track record, could anyone really blame me?

"Beca, is that you?" I jumped immediately at the voice. I shrank back when I saw a tall dark figure come towards me. "It's just me." Jesse reassured, taking in my fear that was written all of my face. He held a hand out and slowly paced to me. "Why were you limping like that? Are you hurt?" He was worried. I shook my head before realizing that it was probably really stupid to lie considering he just saw me.

"I think I just pulled a muscle in my thigh." I lied quickly, afraid that he would catch my lie. I didn't want him to have any more of a reason to follow me around. "I'm fine, though." I said, attempting to dismiss him. I started to walk away before he grabbed my wrist and swung me around to face him.

"Let me at least walk you back to your dorm. You look like you've fallen." He said as he pointed to the dirt that coated my side.

I sighed and shook my head at him. "I'll be fine," I didn't know why I felt sorry for him when he was the one who was bothering me. I watched as his face fell and he stuffed his hands in his pockets defeated by my walls. "I'll see you around." I muttered and turned around again. He didn't stop me this time; he just let me continue walking.

I felt bad for him, I really did, but I couldn't let him in. I was determined not to get close to anyone. I didn't want anyone to get hurt when I was like this. It was just a matter of time until I couldn't bear it anymore.

"Great, I guess I have to go get cleaned up." I told myself when I realized how much dirt had actually been caked into my hair. I didn't want to shower when anyone was in there because I didn't want them to know about what I did to myself, so midnight on the night before school started seemed like the best time. I quickly grabbed all of my toiletries and walked to the women's bathroom.

As I walked to the bathroom, Jesse's question about whether or not I could sing replayed in my head. The truth was that I loved to sing, I just didn't like the attention on me. Sometimes when people stare at me, I think they can see my scars. I think they are judging me by the way that I cope with pain. It's hard to keep a secret when it's written all over your skin.

I smiled when I remember that the chances of anyone taking a shower right now are slim to none, so I could sing and no one would even know. I began to softly sing Titanium by David Guetta before slowly building it up to the chorus. I turned on the knob until the water temperature was perfect before I slipped out my robe and under the steady water. I smiled into the song as the water caressed my back and calmed all of my nerves.

It wasn't until I heard a voice that I realized my eyes were closed. "So, you can sing, huh?"

**I'm so sorry this is short! I promise the next one will be longer! Anyway, thank you for reading this story :) And thank you to those who review :)**


	5. Chapter 5

I whipped around to face the wall as soon as the voice entered my ears. "What the hell?" I asked clearly annoyed by the sudden invasion of privacy. I hated when someone saw me in anything less than pants and a sweatshirt, so this encounter made me more self-conscious than ever.

"We are auditioning people to join our a cappella music group and I noticed you could sing. Can you match pitch?" The bubbly naked ginger asked me as she leaned again the shower stall wall. "Oh, come on, it's not like you have anything that I don't." She countered when I continued to stand against the wall speechless. I did have something that she didn't have, I had battle scars.

"Yes," I said, hoping that my truthful statement was enough to get her off of my back. I was feeling extremely uncomfortable with this encounter and she was not getting the hint that I didn't want to talk to her, especially right now. "Now, if you will excuse me, I am going to go back to showering," I said and stepped a slight step away from the wall when she made no move.

"I'm not leaving until you sing." She had her arms crossed in front of her breast and her foot tapped impatiently on the floor. She sang out an "ah" which I had no choice but to match her flawlessly. "I'm impressed," She said to me before asking me to sing some of the song that I just belted out. "Come on, please?" She begged coming closer.

"How about, I take and shower and I'll meet you somewhere right after I am clean and fully dressed?" I offered with no intentions to meet her.

"How do I know you will meet me?" She raised an eyebrow clearly knowing that I was debating on whether or not to show up. "I'm Chloe, by the way." She held out a hand but retracted it back when she realized that I had no intentions of taking her hand. "What's your dorm? I'll come by in a half an hour." She asked with a raised eyebrow that told me she didn't want to be lied to.

"Baker Hall," I told her before telling her the room number. I sighed in relief when she left.

"Great, you almost let her see," The voice shouted at me. I winced at the harsh tone it used, but I tried to shrug it off. I mean, she is probably high up in this a cappella group or she wouldn't have even asked and if she was high up then she probably could find out which dorm was mine anyway.

"She doesn't even know your name, why didn't you lie?" The voice snapped at me when I thought about her just being able to find me. "You didn't tell her anything about yourself other than the fact that you can match pitch! Which, by the way, you didn't even do. You were really off key. I don't know why you sing, you aren't even good. You just think in your mind that you can sing. She was lying to you; she was trying to be nice. You can go ahead and try to audition but you will only embarrass yourself. I mean, do you really want to be known as the girl who thought she could make the group and was tone deaf?" Even though I knew the voice was wrong, I still believed it. Maybe my voice has gotten worse over the years? Maybe I just didn't have the ears I used to have to tell the difference between pitches.

I stood underneath the shower just thinking before I realized that Chloe had told me she was meeting me in my dorm in a thirty minutes. I quickly washed my hair and body, being extra careful with the scars and fresh wounds. I didn't have time to accidently break one open to have it not stop bleeding.

Of course, though, when you are in a hurry, you always do what you meant not to. Thankfully it was just a small wound that was contained by a bandage. Less than a minute after I put my long sleeve pajama shirt on, there was a knock on my door.

"You do realize that it is extremely late and classes start in less than 7 hours?" I asked but moved out of the way to let her in. She was stubborn enough to come here even after I refused to sing for her in the shower. I didn't want to have to do this right now, or ever, really.

"I know, but you have an amazing voice. Come on, now…" She trailed off when she didn't know what my name is.

"Lie," The voice told me. I shut my eyes for a split second, willing it to just all go away.

"Beca," I breathed out, knowing that it would anger the voice. I didn't want to lie; I hated lying about so much already, so why did I have to lie about my name, too? "Beca Mitchell." I told her with more confidence this time.

"Well, Beca, you were singing Titanium, right?" Chloe asked and I simply nodded in reply. "Well, go on, sing me a few bars." She nudged me on. I didn't want to have her staring at me when I was singing so I turned to the side and sang the chorus softly.

"You are really good!" She told me when I finished. "You have to at least audition, please?" She tried to use the puppy dog eyes. I shook my head to the side, telling her that I was not willing to do it.

"I don't like people looking at me when I'm singing, well ever actually." I told her a little too harsh that I intended. I didn't want her to think that I was rude, but I didn't want her to be here asking me ridiculous questions like that. There was no way in hell that I was going to be singing and competing with anyone.

"Please," She whined like a five year old that was just told that she couldn't have any candy.

"Fine," I rolled my eyes before closing them. I knew that there was nothing else I could say or do to make her leave. I just hoped that I could go through with it.

**I'm so sorry that it has taken me forever to update! But here it is! Thank you for reading (:**

**Kelsey**


	6. Chapter 6

I couldn't believe that I had actually agreed to this. I hated having to sing while other people judged me. Even though Chloe said I wasn't bad, I kept having an internal battle of how bad my voice actually is. "You are just going to embarrass yourself. Don't you see that? You are so bad at singing, plus everyone is going to see how fat you are." The voice was starting to sound like a broken record. Of course, I couldn't fight against the voice as it belittled me.

"I have no other choice," I pleaded with the voice. I really had no choice with Chloe breathing down my neck. She was at my dorm every day to remind me of the auditions and informing me what I should and shouldn't wear.

"Speak of the devil," I mumbled to myself when I heard Chloe's signature knock against the wooden door. I yanked the door open roughly only to be greeted by an overly excited ginger.

"Are you ready?" When I nodded reluctantly, she pulled me into an unexpected tight hug. She flipped a piece of my hair back right after she released me from the hug. I immediately flinched at the unannounced human contact. I took a few steps back into my dorm as I looked at her with wide eyes. I couldn't help it, I hated being touched by other people and her personality was already new territory for my mind to wrap around. "Beca, are you okay?" She stepped towards me slightly when I continued to back away until my back hit the wall. I immediately slid down the wall, bringing my knees up to my chest and cradling my head between them.

"Will you please leave?" I asked her as I gasped for my breath. "Please," I begged her when I looked up to see she hadn't made any movement. I hated when people saw me like this. It was obvious that I was extremely weak, but I couldn't let other people have the satisfaction of knowing that I knew I was weak.

"I don't know, Beca," She told me as she took another step closer to me. When she saw that I flinched against the wall she took the same step back. "You are just having a panic attack." She said matter-of-factly. "If you want me to leave, I will, but I will stay close by in case you need me. Is that okay?" She asked, worried that I wouldn't be okay and she would probably have to call for help. I nodded weakly, hoping that she would understand that I knew what she was saying. "Okay, call for me when you are ready." She said before she finally left the room.

"She doesn't care about you. She only pities you." The voice was angry. I didn't need this right now but I didn't know how to turn if off for even a moment. How exactly do you kill the demons that are controlling your mind without actually killing yourself? The answer is that you never really can. I have spent so much of my life trying to fight again it before I finally realized that there was no point in trying to win. Eventually, there comes a point in time that you must give in and let them take over.

"Do you see yourself right now? Why didn't you listen to me? I've never lied to you." This time the voice wasn't belittling. This time it was almost as if there was a friend consoling me in my time of need. It wasn't lying either. The truth was that no matter how much it hurt to hear some of the things it had to say, it never once lied to me.

I hated how crazy that I probably looked right about now. I hated how crazy I could be. The next thing I knew a sharp scream rippled through my chest as I yanked viciously at my hair. When my screaming stopped, I slowly rocked back and forth in the fetal position.

"Beca, I heard screaming." Chloe said frantically as she ran in the room. She knelt down in front of me, being careful not to come too close to my broken body. "Can I come closer?" She wasn't loud but her voice was steady. When I nodded she slid down the wall next to me. There was a small silence before she spoke up again. "I'm going to place a hand on the middle of your back, is that okay?" She asked and waited until I responded before she moved her small hand to exactly where she told me she was going to put it. I hated being the one to be comforted. It was never really, anyway. No one cared about me.

"_Beca, let's go," My mother yelled up the stairs for the umpteenth time. She refused to ever come into my room for some unknown reason, but I certainly didn't care. She would flip if she saw what her new towels looked like._

"_Coming," I shouted though the door and looked at the blood soaked towel in front of me. "Please stop." I begged to the small cuts that littered up my thigh. I could never remember a time when there were no scars. Even though I was probably happy before I was nine, it felt like a life time ago._

"_Bring your bathing suit!" My mother shouted again. She would always tell me the same instructions for when we went to her friend's house. Of course, I made some lame excuse that I was on my period or I didn't feel well. She never bothered about it anymore. Of course, I guess when you've been making excuses since you were eleven, she wouldn't care anymore._

"I'm sorry," I whispered, refusing to look at her. I didn't want to believe that someone was seeing me like this. It was only moments later that I hopped up off of the floor with a giant fake smile plastered on my cheeks. "Are you ready?" I said and headed for the door. "Let's get this over with." I told myself as I opened the door and headed down the hallway.


	7. Chapter 7

I walked down the hallways with shaky knees. I didn't know exactly why I was doing this, but the fact that my own mind was having a breakdown on reasons why I shouldn't, didn't give me much confidence. I noticed that every single one of the candidates was singing different parts of the same song and my hands started to clam up. Chloe decided to leave out the part where I was supposed to learn a few counts of that song.

"Next we have Beca," the host held out his hand to welcome me on the stage. I hesitantly walked out to the middle and waved awkwardly.

"I…I didn't know we had to prepare that song." I stuttered after what seemed like a lifetime. I was thoroughly embarrassed by my ignorance and shifted from foot to foot.

"Oh! That was my fault. You can sing whatever you'd like, but I would recommend Titanium, you know." She gave me a sly wink at the mention of the song she forced me to sing after the shower.

I decided to be bold and sing a song that I had taught myself years ago. "Um, may I?" I gestured to a cup filled with pens and gently grasped it in my hand. I closed my eyes and began to sing "When I'm gone". When I was done the first verse, I figured that it was okay to open up my eyes and glance out to see why no one was talking. I glanced out to look at the crowd and watched as they judged me.

"Um, thank you." I decided to say awkwardly before I got up and ran swiftly off the stage. My mind was right, like usual. I didn't notice that there was hot tears streaming down my face until I ran straight into someone's awaiting arms. I couldn't take it anymore. I let out all of my tears and allowed the person to just hold me.

"Here, let me take you back to your dorm." I recognized the voice but I didn't want to look him in the face. I didn't want him to see how truly vulnerable I was at the moment. I felt him scoop me up off of my feet and carry me to the building. "Do you have your dorm key?" He asked when we arrived at the door. I nodded and fished out my key and handed it to me.

"I'm sorry," I said when he laid me down on my bed. "Why did they hate me?" I needed to know. I mean Chloe had told me that I wasn't that bad. Did she really lie to me? Did she really want nothing to do with me? Did she really just want me to make a full of myself.

"What do you mean?" Jesse was thoroughly confused by my question. I didn't know why I was being so close and honest with him. I didn't want him to think I was some dependent loser but I just really needed someone to talk to. I needed someone who wouldn't leave, but with my personality and looks, I never really questioned why anyone would.

"Why did Chloe lie to me? Why couldn't she have saved me from all of that and told me how bad I was. Why did she want me to embarrass myself?" I knew that my face must have been that of a three year old who couldn't understand why her mother was leaving, but I couldn't help it. It hurt so much that anyone would do this.

"Beca, you were fantastic in there." Jesse decided to say after he was hesitant. "May I?" He asked with an outstretched hand over my back. I nodded and moved a little closer to him. I couldn't stand human contact, but I felt like I at least owed him this much for carrying me. He gently drew shapes up and down my back.

"Then why didn't they say anything? Why did they just stare?" I needed to know. I hated that the voice was right all the time. I needed just once to prove it wrong. I needed to be right. I needed to be right.

"Beca, they were shocked at what you did. They never expected you to be able to sing that well." He tried his hardest to convince me that they just needed to break away from the shock before they could speak to me.

"Well, great, now look at what I've done." I had been the jerk that couldn't fathom anything to be about anything else but her. I had only thought that they hated me and nothing about if they liked me. I was a spoiled brat.

"Beca, you are being a little too hard on yourself, don't you think?" I knew that Jesse was just trying to be helpful. My mind kept wondering back to the little pack of hidden razors. That's what I needed right now. I needed the cold remembrance that it left on my skin. I needed to prove to myself once again that I was human and humans make mistakes.

"I'm sorry, but I could really just use some alone time…" I trailed off hoping he would get the point. But it was just my luck that he was completely oblivious.

"So, what would you like to do to turn that frown upside down?" He asked cheerfully. I closed my eyes at how perky he was right now. "Oh, no, now that I've got you here, let's do something!" He whined. I shook my head viciously from side to side.

"Please, don't hurt me. Please."

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**Sorry that it has taken me forever! But here is the next chapter! Let me know what you think!**


	8. Chapter 8

"Please don't hurt me?" I pleaded. The way he was standing next to my bed, bouncing like a small child getting ice cream from the local ice cream truck. He stopped his movement and stared down at me with confusions swirling in his brown eyes. I refused to blink or even breathe. I didn't want him to think that I was some weirdo that was completely emotionally unstable. I didn't want him to know that this is really who I am.

"I'm not going to hurt you." He said softly. I could hear the hurt and astonishment in his voice that I would accuse him of that. I shut my eyes once more and allowed the flashback take over as I trembled in fear and pain. I could remember every detail like it was yesterday. It haunted me like a childhood story that was read to me every night before bed. I couldn't escape the villain in this story, though. He was everywhere in my mind.

"_Do you want to play the Nintendo with me until the parents come back?" I smiled at my step brother who finally wanted to hang out with his nine year old step sister. I followed him upstairs and sat on the floor while I waited for him to pick out a video game. _

"_What are we playing?" I asked when he finally decided on a game and placed it effortlessly into the slot and grabbed two controls. He gave me the green one with the buttons that stick while he selfishly took the red one that was just bought. _

"_Hey! Not fair, you have a control that actually works!" I shouted when he beat me for the fourth time at the same game on the same level. He smiled like a Nobel Prize winner but turned off the game anyway. "I think I'm going back downstairs." I told him in a bored tone. I sat the control back on the shelf where his entire video game collection was held. _

"_Oh, no," He said as he grabbed my wrist to stop me. I looked at him in disbelief but stopped anyway. "Now that I have you here, let's do something else." I smiled once again that he was willing to include me in all of his activities. _

"_Okay, sure, what would you like to do?" I sat on the bed this time because the floor was making my butt numb. I waited for him to answer while my eyes fluttered over the game systems and the respectful games. When he didn't answer, I looked over at him to see if he was silently debating on the next activity. _

"_Well…here are the rules, you have to close your eyes and not scream no matter what. If you do, then I am allowed to punch you, got it?" The rules of any game when played were usually similar. When we played tackle football, if you cried then each of the opposing players could punch you once. This was our way of toughening up each other. I nodded to him to let him know that there was no confusion in the rules and shut my eyes tightly._

"_So what else do I do?" I asked. It had been only a couple of seconds, but with my eyes closed it had felt like a century. "Hey!" I said a little startled that I felt my shirt leave my body. I didn't like this game anymore. I tried my hardest to get away only to be greeted eagerly with fists. _

"_Games not over, sorry," were the only words that he said to me. I felt hands roaming all over my body. I squeezed my eyes as tightly as I could together. I didn't like this feeling. It wasn't much longer before it was over, but it wasn't soon enough._

"_If you tell anyone, then…" He trailed off leaving me to my imagination. I quickly grabbed my shirt and pants and made a beeline to my room. _

I didn't really know what happened that day until I learned more about it in school. I never did tell my parents what that monster did to me every day until I was sixteen. I decided that it was just easier to deal with it myself rather than ruin someone else's life with the burden of knowing.

"Beca, are you okay?" Jesse asked. I opened my eyes and looked up at him for the first time since the flashback. I could see the worry and concern that he had done something to upset me. I nodded my head and tried to smile but it only brought on a choked sob.

"I'm fine," I managed to get out with a shaky voice. I knew that what happened all of those years wouldn't happen right now, but I couldn't stop the flashbacks and the tears. I watched as Jesse ran a hand nervously through his hair and watched me with cautious eyes. I hated to watch him in pain with uncertainty. I could feel my body convulsing as another round of hysteria racked through me. I knew that it was completely out of my comfort zone but I had to be held. Even though the flashback was fresh in my mind, I knew that Jesse wasn't going to hurt me. At least not right now.

"Will you…" I trailed off. I didn't know how to ask him this without sounding too awkward. I wanted someone to rock me back and forth and promise me that everything would be okay. I wanted him to tell me that he wouldn't do anything to hurt me. I wanted him to be close to me without knowing anything. "Will you hold me?" I asked sheepishly. I wanted to be okay with human contact again. I didn't want to live forever with not being able to brush up against someone without having a panic attack. I didn't want to crumble in fear that everyone out there was just looking for a way to hurt me. I didn't want to live life like this but I also didn't want to get hurt anymore.

"Of course," He smiled and held his arms open to welcome me into them. When I began to second guess my question and struggle to move, he scooped me up in his arms and immediately sat down where I was laying. He rocked me gently and rubbed circles on my back over my shirt.

"It's going to be okay, Beca," were the only words that he told me the entire time he held me. I wasn't complaining of course. I didn't need him to constantly talk; I just wanted him to reassure me that there was life after this.

"Do you want me to get that?" He asked when there was a sudden pounding against my door.


	9. Chapter 9

I shook my head when he made a move towards the door. "They can come back later." I knew that the face I was giving him was extremely pathetic, but I couldn't help it. I didn't want to be left alone and I certainly didn't want anyone else to see my like this. He sighed against me and shifted his body a little closer to mine.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked when the room silenced once more. I burrowed my head into his chest in hopes that he would just assume that I had fallen asleep. "Okay, do you want to talk about anything?" He tried again when he figured out that I didn't want to talk about it. I sighed and untangled myself from his body. I winced in sheer pain when I felt my pants leg sticking to the cuts that I had made the other day.

"Do you want to color with me?" I asked sheepishly when I dug around the cubby hole for my 96 pack of crayons with the built-in sharpener and my 400 page giant coloring book. I held them up while he simply raised an eyebrow at the little kid gleam in my eyes.

"Seriously?" He asked amused. I hung my head down and watched as he ridiculed me from afar. "Wait, no, Beca, that wasn't supposed to be an insult." He tried to correct where he went wrong but the damage was already done. I knew exactly where he meant to go with that statement. He thought that I was foolish for wanting to color.

"It's okay, you probably have better things to do." The way it came out of my mouth made it sound more like a harsh statement rather than a question that I had originally intended. I winced as I walked swiftly to my desk and slammed the crayons and coloring book on the desk. I sat down roughly on the chair and slammed my head on the book.

"It's not that I don't want to color with you, Beca." His voice cut through the silence. I grumbled in response and continued to hide my face from his eyes. "I want to color with you, but I left my coloring book in my dorm, can I run and get it?" He asked while he rubbed the back of his neck. I lifted my head slightly and faced towards him. I nodded and he held up one finger before exiting the room in a fast paced jog.

"What are you doing to yourself?" The voice almost sounded foreign. I jumped at the sudden icy voice that invaded every fiber of my being. "You are letting someone in, even if it just a little. Don't you see how much self-control you are losing?" I knew that the voice was trying to get me to see the truth, but it was just coloring, right? I mean there was nothing more that could happen. It is just two people who like to color.

"I'm back," Jesse's voice echoed through the door. I lifted my head and walked to the door. After three deep breaths, I opened the door and took my place back in the chair at the desk. "So, what are you coloring?" Jesse asked me as soon as he flipped to a dinosaur picture in his coloring book. I smiled slightly at the sight of his 400 page giant coloring book.

"A fish," I said a little indifferent. I didn't want him to notice the shock written all over my face. Usually when I ask someone to sit down and color with me, they just stare and laugh, but with Jesse, he seemed to love it just as much as me.

"When I was 13, I was constantly stressed out over the stupidest things. My parents, who are both psychologists, lucky me, began searching for a way to calm my nerves. They found out a technique that their colleagues tried out on many of their patients, but I preferred to color." Jesse told the story like he was saying what was on the local news.

"It takes your mind off of everything. When you color, it's almost like you are so focused on staying in the lines or what color you should make the arm, that you forget everything if only for a second." I surprised myself at how easy it was to just come out and say that. I didn't know why I even opened my mouth, but I regretted it the second the words left my lips.

"I didn't think anyone else thought that way." He shrugged his shoulders and picked out the green crayon and steadily moved his hand back and forth to create an even look. "Most people think it's stupid and childish, but I think that it's smart if it calms you down."

"I know what you mean. I used to get made fun of every day in high school for coloring in my free shift. They never understood why it meant so much to me." I widened my eyes the minute that the confession spilt from my lips. "So what are you majoring in?" I quickly changed the subject. In all honesty, I had no care for the reasoning behind why he chose Barden for his educational needs, but I didn't want him to pick up on what I said and wonder or push for answers.

"I'm majoring in music. I want to score movies eventually." He shrugged before he held up his picture. I smiled and gave him a thumbs up before he tried to peek over my shoulder.

"No looking! I'm not quite finished yet!" I blocked his view and tried to finish quickly. Once I was done with the fish, I held it up and waited for Jesse's approval. "What?" I asked, self-conscious when his smile fell into a frown.

"Your picture is better than mine!" He pouted before he threw one of my pillows at me. My eyes shifted to the ground when a shiny object flew out from the pillow case. "Um, Beca, what is a box of bandages doing underneath your pillow?" I walked over towards the bed but not before shuffling over the blade and kicking it under my bed.

"I'm a klutz, what else can I say?" I told him and pointed to the bruise on my wrist from when I smacked it against the door frame in my hurry to make it to class. He looked unconvinced at first, but I managed to smile reassuringly at him to ease his worry.

"Okay, so do you want to go see if you made the Barden Bellas?"

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I'm so sorry it has taken me so long to update. I'm also sorry that this update pretty much sucked, but I always color when I'm upset and i love having someone color with me and because this is based off of my life history, i figured it would be perfect. So tell me what you think!


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